My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
