I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
