apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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