I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
