so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
