cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
