I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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