can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
