I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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