There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
