I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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