sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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