I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
