Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
