She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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