I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
