You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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