when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
