Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
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I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
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It was like giving head to a cactus.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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