Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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