I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
