So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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