I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
