Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
