I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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