not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
