He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
