ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
one might say we're banned from that church
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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