dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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