I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
