if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
