If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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