you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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