the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.