Sry I called you an 8
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.