so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
