hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I stole a fireplace last night.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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