Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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