8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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