My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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