A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Randomize
