It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
