Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
