Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
