someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
