Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
