I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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