Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Another day, another engagement, another cat
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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