you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
