Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's not a walk of shame if you run
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
