Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
