the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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