My liver just broke up with me...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
