Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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