I CAN MOONWALK!
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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