Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
