Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
