I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
